Thursday, January 24, 2013
sacrifice & happiness :: personal story
i wanted to give up yesterday. i wanted to curl up on the couch and cover my entire body with a quilt. then disappear.
the shop isn't doing well. we had a wonderful holiday season, but january has been harder than i imagined. i'm not sure i can pay rent this month. we haven't had a customer all week. my husband is sacrificing more than i can tell you so that i can run my little art store on the corner. my children are sacrificing time with their mom. and i have... on days like yesterday... doubts about if i can do it. my emotional investment in my dreams are taking a hit... maybe i suck. maybe that's why no one comes into the shop...
how much are you willing to sacrifice once you find happiness? that's the question i keep asking myself. because the honest truth is... this shop is such a fantastic blessing to me. i am free. free of creativity-smothering orders from a boss or client. i am making what i love every. single. day. i am giddy with excitement each moment i am at work and when i go home that feeling carries over. i am a happier, less stressed-out mother and wife. the feeling of making something with my hands that others love enough to take into their homes is uncomparable to any other feeling i've had in my life. it's a high.
but, there is always doubt, isn't there? small bouts of depression will maneuver their way into a soul and make someone doubt everything they love... make someone want to give up.
it's how we react to those bouts that shows who we are deep inside. the only limitations in life are the ones we put on ourselves. and, however sad & hopeless i feel, i am not ready to put a limit on this shop or my undeniable happiness when i am creating something lovely. today i'm going to open the store and snuggle up under a light in my back studio and work away. then when the sun goes down, i will lock up and walk along the beautiful roads of downtown to my car. i will drive home, make dinner, play with the boys and lie in bed ignoring any doubt and depression that tries to work it's way into my thoughts. because i am not ready to quit.