a birth story

i occasionally enjoy reading design mom's birth stories.  some are funny, and some move me to tears.  i have been thinking about sharing my son's birth story for sometime now, but have always been too busy, or too fearful, or too lazy.  even now, as i write this, i'm not sure i'll actually hit the "publish post" button.

but, as i get closer and closer to having my second child, i feel like i should get the first story down in writing.  so it's protected.  so it's remembered.  and...  so it's shared.

and that's what this blog is all about anyway.  sharing my story.

it's funny how life's disasters turn out to be blessings.  and even in the moment of each, i always know it will be good in the end.  i had just received my masters and was interviewing in various cities on the west coast when i found out i was pregnant.  i had worked years on developing an accomplished education and career, and one would think that a single girl wouldn't want to see that positive result.  and on the surface, i didn't.  but, from deep inside, a calmness actually swept over me, and although i knew my life was changed forever, i wasn't afraid.  i was calm.

i began planning.  that's what i do to feel in control.  i planned where i would live (in the same town as my parents), and where i would work (the best tech company in the city), and how i would afford it all (i had a lot stashed away).  i thought all of this thru in about an hour.  the first hour after i saw that pink plus sign.  and then...  i did it.

i bought a house in the same town i grew up in.  my best friend, who was also pregnant at the time was thrilled.  in fact, i'm pretty sure, it's the only time she smiled during her pregnancy!  i began preparing for baby.  i'm not going to lie...  it wasn't so simple.  i cried a lot.  i even screamed a lot.  at nothing and over nothing.  and, at everything.  although i was calm and growing excited, there was a sadness to my loss.  the loss of my younger self.  the loss of my irresponsible self.  the loss of my dreams, and what i thought life was going to be for me.  the loss of my freedom.

i was sitting at my computer the first time i felt the baby move.  i remember thinking - this is so f'd up.  people make people...  this is common knowledge, so common in fact, i think most take it for granted.  i had been.  for the first time, i was totally blown away that i was making a person.  me.  making something that was going to talk, laugh, grow and have a career... love.  it was a breathtaking moment for me.

and so i talked to him and we bonded.  i played music i thought he would like and i read to him out loud.  i rubbed my belly when he had the hiccups.

i was two weeks over due when the dr told me they were going to induce labor if the baby didn't come in the next couple days.  i remember thinking... the hell you are.   i went home and waited the couple days.  i tried everything to induce my own labor.  i did heavy lifting.  i went running (that was a hilarious site for the neighbors i'm sure).  nothing worked.  i knew i didn't want the dr deciding my baby's birthday, so i took the last, most raved about wives tale for inducing labor.  i drank castor oil.  with root beer.  well, actually i shot the combo... and truthfully, it wasn't as terrible as everyone told me.  and then, i watched a little tv and went to bed.

when i woke, i was very disappointed to still be pregnant with no signs of labor.  i took a shower and went to my dr appt, fearful they would be determining the date of induction.  instead, they hooked me up to a machine and my dr smiled brightly as she told me to go downstairs and check in...  i was having contractions.  i was?  really?  they didn't really hurt that bad.  so... again, instead of listening to my dr and going to check in, i went home and ate some breakfast.  i had cheerios.  i knew they wouldn't feed me at the hospital and i knew i was about to endure the most painful experience i had even known.  i needed a full tummy.  i called my dad as i finished breakfast and packed my bag.  when he came and picked me up, he was concerned and quiet and followed my instructions very well.  once he got me settled in my room, he told me he was going to go buy a paper and he'd be in the waiting room.

i called my cousin, my mom, and the rest of my support team so they could start heading up to the hospital.  i began bouncing on a big blue ball and walking the halls.  10 hours later, i was still walking.  the dr came in and tried to talk me into breaking my water.  no thanks.  10 hours after that, my cousin was snoring on the couch, my mom was complaining of aches and pains, and i was breathing deeply thru the pain and annoyance.  my aunt was my savor.  she rubbed my back and helped me relax.  she got mad at the dr when i told them i was ready to push and they said not yet.  finally, 8 hours later, it was time.  the baby was finally coming.

"the monster" came into the world slowly and quietly.  he weighed a whopping 10lbs 6oz.  he was 2 feet long.  he was the biggest newborn i had ever seen and i loved him immediately...  although i was kinda mad at him for taking so long.

everything after that is a bit of a blur.  family rushed in to hold him and there was a lot of chaos for about an hour.  and then there was complete silence...  it was just me and "the monster" alone.  for the first time thru the entire experience, i was scared out of my mind.

i was also so in love, that the fear somehow took second place and didn't bother me much at all.